The Five Worst Movies I Watched on Netflix This Week: Halloween Edition
Last week, I covered 5 really terrible movies from Netflix's streaming library. This week, in honor of Halloween, I'm going to list the 5 worst horror movies I watched in the last week. I can tolerate a lot of nonsense in a movie, but these wretched creations are almost too much for even the most stout-hearted viewer.
*Minor spoilers will be present here. I will warn you if a major spoiler is coming.*
5. The Immortalizer
Starring: Ron Ray, Chris Crone
Year: 1989
I had high hopes for this one, as the description sounded interesting and it was from the '80's (the golden age of slasher films and unintentional horror humor). The first 10 minutes were pretty decent, featuring some horribly dubbed dialogue, some semi-crude sex comments and a funny '80's dance soundtrack. In particular, a character named Darrell stood out. He (briefly) brought some comic relief as the brash older brother of the main character, Gregg.
This movie is about a white German Shepherd that is trained to attack black people. Yes, you read that correctly. The dog is found by our main character (Julie, played by McNichol) and taken in as a means of home security. Julie isn't aware of the dog's ingrained prejudices, so she is confused when the dog starts showing up with blood all over himself.
Worst line of the movie:
"You know, for an intelligent girl, sometimes you aren't very bright." - Julie's boyfriend
My Netflix Rating: 2 Stars
Holy shit, the acting in this movie is awful. I can't even comprehend how it's this bad. Again, I'm not expecting virtuoso performances, but there has to be some level of proficiency for me to start to believe in the story unfolding on screen.
First off, if you're going to call a movie Blood Monkey, you had better SHOW THE FUCKING BLOOD MONKEY DURING THE MOVIE.
*Minor spoilers will be present here. I will warn you if a major spoiler is coming.*
5. The Immortalizer
Starring: Ron Ray, Chris Crone
Year: 1989
I had high hopes for this one, as the description sounded interesting and it was from the '80's (the golden age of slasher films and unintentional horror humor). The first 10 minutes were pretty decent, featuring some horribly dubbed dialogue, some semi-crude sex comments and a funny '80's dance soundtrack. In particular, a character named Darrell stood out. He (briefly) brought some comic relief as the brash older brother of the main character, Gregg.
Of course, this movie wouldn't be on this list if everything continued to be awesome. Or even merely decent. Once the characters got to the hospital/laboratory/dungeon of the nefarious Dr. Divine, the whole thing went to shit.
For the life of me, I can't figure out why horror movie directors and writers can't figure out the formula to making an entertaining scary movie. You need to land at least half of the things on the following checklist before putting the movie out:
- Interesting plot
- Sufficient violence/gore (even in a low budget offering this can be achieved)
- Sex appeal (can make up for inadequacies in the first two areas)
- Humorous dialogue/catchphrases
- Solid soundtrack (horror depends on music to set the tone and mood)
- Fluid pacing (in other words, keep the story moving)
Sounds pretty simple, right? Unfortunately not. The Immortalizer fails spectacularly on numbers 3, 4 and 6 and moderately on 2 and 5. The plot is somewhat interesting - a sadistic doctor removing pieces of attractive young people and implanting them in/on elderly patients who have a fear of growing old - but that's it.
Worst line of the movie:
"It's so big, I need someone to help me hold it." - Darrell
My Netflix Rating: 2 Stars
4. White Dog
Starring: Kristy McNichol, Paul Winfield
Year: 1982
This movie is about a white German Shepherd that is trained to attack black people. Yes, you read that correctly. The dog is found by our main character (Julie, played by McNichol) and taken in as a means of home security. Julie isn't aware of the dog's ingrained prejudices, so she is confused when the dog starts showing up with blood all over himself.
Julie takes him to an (black, of course) animal trainer (Winfield), who ascertains quickly that the canine has been taught to attack people of color. That's where the movie gets too weighty and tries to give us a sermon on equality and civil rights. I won't spoil the ending, but it's pretty over-wrought. I watch horror movies for an escape, not to have to think about issues afflicting society.
The movie scores pretty low on most of the points I outlined above, especially for its lack of quality violence and sex appeal and also it's slow-moving story. Once the dog starts his training the story crawls along at an unbearable slow pace.
Worst line of the movie:
"You know, for an intelligent girl, sometimes you aren't very bright." - Julie's boyfriend
My Netflix Rating: 2 Stars
3. Haunting of Winchester House
Starring: Lira Kellerman, Michael Holmes
Year: 2009
The background of the real-life Winchester House is fascinating. This movie is not.
The movie is supposed to be a ghost story about the crazy-ass haunted house in California built by the widow of the owner of the Winchester firearms company. But the story is hardly scary and the ending is one of the most cliche plot twists in horror movie history. Again, I won't spoil it, but if you are a horror movie fan, you'll probably see it coming.
The worst part about this movie is that it's just flat out boring. I truly didn't give a shit about anything that was happening, and all of the characters got on my nerves. There were attempts at campy, fun dialogue, but they just fell flat. For a ghost story to be successful, it has to be either mega-creepy or somewhat hilarious. This was neither.
The effects (or lack thereof) were awful, which is expected for a low-budget junk pile like this, but at the very least some creativity could have been employed.
Worst of all, there were barely any references to the fucked-up nature of the actual Winchester house. To say the least, the layout of that house in unorthodox. But the movie makes no effort to use the house's features in its plot or as a means of explaining more of the lore of the house. I know they weren't filming on the real property, but damn, couldn't they have at least talked about the strange windows and staircases and secret passages?
Worst line of the movie:
"You know what squirrels do? They bite your nuts." - Susan
My Netflix Rating: 1 Star
2. Knock, Knock
Starring: Nicole Abisinio, Joli Julianna
Year: 2007
Holy shit, the acting in this movie is awful. I can't even comprehend how it's this bad. Again, I'm not expecting virtuoso performances, but there has to be some level of proficiency for me to start to believe in the story unfolding on screen.
The movie's premise is that a killer attacks the parents of high school students in ways corresponding to their professions. Not a bad idea for a slasher film centered around high school kids. But when you want all of the kids to get hacked to pieces, and it clearly isn't a movie where the killer is some sort of anti-hero, there is a problem.
And I'll allow that they did provide some nudity and gore with their limited resources. It was almost as if the filmmakers had some semblance of what would make a good teen slasher flick, but they just abandoned it all or got overwhelmed in the process of making the movie. Sort of like how Kevin Smith making a non-stoner comedy film, where he goes heavy on emotion and forgets what his strengths are - dick jokes and nerd-isms.
Worst line of the movie:
"It was a black thing. You know how THEY are." - Billy
My Netflix Rating: 1 Star
1. Blood Monkey
Starring: F. Murray Abraham
Year: 2007
First off, if you're going to call a movie Blood Monkey, you had better SHOW THE FUCKING BLOOD MONKEY DURING THE MOVIE.
Now that we've established how much of a tease this movie was, we can focus on its many failures. The death scenes are terrible, as we're forced to look through the eyes of the goddamn monkey, which limits us to seeing bad angles with a red filter over the camera lens.
There is no sex appeal to be found here (in fact, some of the characters are downright hideous). The dialogue takes itself too seriously given the absurdity of the film's plot. The music is forgettable garbage and the plot isn't any better.
F. Murray Abraham has been in some decent movies, for the life of me I can't figure out why he jumped into this shit-wagon.
Worst line of the movie:
N/A - They all sucked.
My Netflix Rating: 1 Star
