The Five Worst Movies I Watched on Netflix This Week

Netflix is pretty awesome, even with the price increases and the slightly shoddy streaming selection.  My friends and I have sort of a weekly movie club in which we get together and watch B-movies.  Our favorite genre is horror, but as long as there is unintentional comedy, female nudity and copious amounts of profanity, we're in.

But even for someone who loves bad movies, Netflix offers some terrible shit to watch instantly.  Even I can't justify the existence of some of these trash heaps.  What follows are the five worst movies I watched on Netflix this week.  If I continue to watch movies this bad on Netflix (and I'm sure I will) I will update this blog each week with a new set of 5 ass-awful movies to stay away from.

*Minor spoilers will be present here.  I will warn you if a major spoiler is coming.*

5. Stone

Starring: Robert DeNiro, Edward Norton, Milla Jovovich
Genre: Drama
Year: 2010

Like I would imagine is the case with most people, I saw the big names and gave this movie a shot.  What a terrible idea.

The premise of the movie is that Norton is imprisoned in Detroit and DeNiro is assigned his file to review for the parole board.  Norton enlists his wife, Jovovich, to seduce DeNiro, thereby influencing his appraisal of Norton and hopefully improving his chances of being released.

The first problem with the movie is that Norton looks like a fucking idiot with corn rows and an awful accent.  He sounds like a really lame white dude trying to do an impression of Bubbles from The Wire.  More confusing still is the idea that Jovovich's character would actually be attracted to this guy, because even though she seems kinda crazy she is certainly attractive enough to go get a guy who hasn't been in prison for 8 years.

DeNiro is a boring, sad sack of shit who reluctantly falls into the trap set by the couple.  I might sound crazy, but what the hell is so special about Robert DeNiro?  I can count the great performances I've seen from him on one hand, yet he is revered by assholes like James Lipton and hailed as a "genius."  Give me a fucking break.  The guy who created fantasy football is a genius.  Robert DeNiro is an actor who squints a lot and once stabbed John Kruk.

Overall, the movie was just really boring.  There is a shit-ton of overbearing religious stuff and morality debates, and DeNiro's wife is really depressing and acts as if she gets beaten on a regular basis, although the movie doesn't divulge whether that is the case.

Worst line of the movie: 

Norton: She's an alien.
DeNiro: Alien?  What do you mean, like an illegal?


My Netflix Rating: 1 Star


4. Time Barbarians


Starring: Deron McBee (aka Malibu from American Gladiators), Joann Ayers
Genre: Sci-Fi, Action
Year: 1990


This movie could have been great.  In fact, the beginning is actually pretty hilarious, with Malibu running around the woods doing barbarian things and delivering horrendous dialogue.  But the entire story was supposed to be "what would happen if a couple of barbarians, in their fight for a mysterious talisman that holds magical power, were transported to modern day Los Angeles?"  Then it took them an hour before they got to L.A.

Aside from the interminable wait to see how these fish out of water would act in the grimy underworld of the big city, there was a lot of really bad action scenes and not enough humorous dialogue.  For a movie that is this low-budget, I need either some (unintentional) comic relief, a whole bunch of '80s chicks running around nude or a legitimately cool plot twist.  Time Barbarians scored low in all three areas.

I would have had Malibu and the bad guy get to L.A. within the first 20 minutes, and then separately engage in all sorts of hijinks before confronting one another and having a poorly choreographed sword fight.  Imagine Malibu, dressed in a barbarian's loin cloth, hanging around on Venice Beach saying weird shit to tourists who would think he was just another random freak.  Or the bad guy could have just gone around grabbing women he wants and throwing them over his shoulder and taking them back to some alley to try to have barbarian sex with them.  Actually, that seems a little too rapey now that I type it out.  Scratch that idea.

Worst line of the movie: 

Bartaga: I have no time for sexual foolishness.

My Netflix Rating: 1 Star


3. Hot Boyz


Starring: Silkk Tha Shocker, Gary Busey, Jeff Speakman, Snoop Dogg, C. Thomas Howell
Genre: Action, Drama
Year: 2000


When I was a teenager I thought Master P's No Limit Records was some cool shit.  I used to buy a bunch of those cds, including a couple by the star of this piece of shit movie, Silkk.

I was hoping this movie would be like Menace II Society meets Bloodsport meets Gary Busey doing a whole shitload of cocaine, but my hopes were dashed just moments into the movie when I had to listen to Silkk try to deliver lines.  You know how when Silkk raps he tries to force too many words into each bar?  He acts the same way, just nervously mumbling shit really fast.

Jeff Speakman had some pretty decent martial arts flicks back in the day, so I was disappointed that he didn't really kick any ass in this.  His role was as Silkk's karate instructor, which is pretty fucking silly in the first place since all of Silkk's friends are carrying pistols.  But I guess they had to set up the character's intense discipline somehow.

Busey wasn't in the movie as much as I thought he would be, which is probably a good thing.  Gary Busey is like the cowbell; the right amount can really take things to another level, but too much makes a mockery out of the whole show.  He did deliver a fantastically bad line, which I'll get to in a minute.

The story plays out with Silkk trying to get revenge on the guy who played Chauncey in Menace and ends up becoming a crime mogul himself.  The movie ends in a super Master P way, with the story trying to teach a lesson and make us realize that the gratuitous gangster shit we just watched is bad, mmkay.

Worst line of the movie: 

Busey: It'd be a shame to see all that prettiness get raped away.

My Netflix Rating: 1 Star

2. Serial Rabbit 3: Splitting Hares


Starring: A bunch of average Joes who got together and made a movie
Genre: Horror
Year: 2009


According to IMDB, the estimated budget for this movie was $300.  I didn't know that going in, or I may have tempered my expectations a bit.  Either way, this movie sucked a huge ass.

This movie is about a serial killer in a bunny suit who goes around slashing people up left and right.  Most of the characters are introduced solely to be killed, with no ties to the greater story or other reason for being there.  Obviously a movie called Serial Rabbit 3 isn't expected to have rich character development and a coherent plot, but damn, they at least could have tried.

The biggest problem I had with the movie is how much they insisted on breaking the 4th wall (characters acknowledging the audience during scenes).  The writers felt the need to have their own characters make fun of the movie and its production, which, while refreshingly self-conscious, is quite pathetic.  This is a spoof slasher movie about a goddamn killer rabbit.  If the audience comes away pissed that the plot sucked then they are fucking idiots.  You don't need to basically apologize for the shittiness of the movie because that only makes it shittier.

Worst line of the movie: 

Abusive Redneck Dad: (to son) I'll start followin' Jeff Gordon before I'll put up with that.

My Netflix Rating: 1 Star


1. South Beach Academy


Starring: Keith Coulouris, Corey Feldman, Elizabeth Kaitan
Genre: Comedy
Year: 1996


Sometimes I wonder if it's even worth watching such shitty movies in hopes I'll find a cult classic with my friends.  This is one of those times.  South Beach Academy is horrible chunk of shit with absolutely no redeeming qualities at all.

This movie came out right after Corey Feldman's Michael Jackson phase.  Feldman's career was obviously floundering, so he kept doing late night comedies like this one.  What really disappointed me though, was seeing the villain from the greatest movie ever made, Big Trouble in Little China (James Hong, who played David Lo Pan) in this clusterfuck of a film.  Worse still, Hong proceeds to act ridiculously and play up every Asian stereotype known to the Western world.  Just a tremendously sad (to me) fall from grace for Lo Pan.

As far as the story goes, the main guy, Harry, is out to save his Uncle's business.  They do what any intelligent dudes in Miami would do - sell cocaine recruit a female volleyball team to wager against the bad guy's female volleyball team.  Predictably, their team is a rag-tag bunch, but they manage to come through in the end.

There is a whole lot of nudity in this one, but it still can't save this thing from being the worst movie I watched all week, maybe in a couple of months (and I watch quite a lot of movies).  The scene with Feldman in the strip club is strange, depressing and completely not sexy even though there are massive boobs all over the place.  That's how bad '90's Corey Feldman was - he could make big tits disgusting.

Worst line of the movie: 

Feldman: (in really bad Butthead voice) Huh-huh, she said buns.  Buns are cool.

My Netflix Rating: 1 Star